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baby showers are more than cute decorations…

February 16, 2012 By 1 Comment

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I have to admit, I love baby showers. 

I love celebrating for a friend who is expecting, I love shopping from a registry, I love gathering with friends and strangers and sharing experiences about child rearing, I find I learn a lot.  I love the cute decorations, the yummy food and I love hearing the mom-to-be talk about her hopes and dreams for her family.  All of the baby showers that I have attended in my life have been for healthy, typically developing pregnancies, until recently.

A dear friend delivered her son 2 months early through an emergency C-section due to a heart condition detected in the baby.  I had received the shower invitation a couple of weeks prior to that and was then notified that the shower was still on.  Another email followed that stated the purpose of the shower was to celebrate the birth of this baby, honor my friend for becoming a mother and for her to feel loved and supported…so please focus on those things and leave the medical talk for another time.

As I read over her registry, I thought to myself, “she won’t need this stuff for a long, long time” and I searched for what I thought would be an appropriate gift.  The answer did not come easily.  For days, I tried to think about what a mother of a child in the NICU would find helpful and/or what could this precious baby use now?  It was a few days before the shower and I still did not have a gift.  Then it hit me…the most appropriate gift was the ones that the mom had asked for, what she registered for, what she has dreamed about having for her son for months.   That and preemie clothes.  Who was I to think that I knew better? 

I learned a lot at this shower.  My friend had the opportunity that every pregnant woman deserves.  To be honored by friends and family for a life changing event.  The fact that her baby was in the NICU made her no less a mother, in fact it made her more of a mother.  She had learned more in those first couple of weeks and had advocated harder for her child than most moms I know. 

One universal truth was shared at this shower.  Being a mom is all about being in the moment.  In that moment, at that shower, my friend was so excited to receive the items she registered for and spoke about how she planned on using the item once the baby was home.  In some cases, she had already figured out how to modify the item to fit her sons’ needs at the present time.

I realized at this shower that it doesn’t matter what kind of mom you think you’re going to be.  It matters how you adapt to what kind of baby you have.   That is the true mark of a wonderful mom. 

  Janel Perez, M.S.-L.P.C.

 

 

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pre-marital counseling is a part of good wedding planning too…

February 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

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I recently came across some information which placed the cost of an average wedding between $24,000 to $40,000.
What surprised me most about this was that per-marital counseling was not listed as an expense.    I know, I know…no one wants to go to counseling…especially in the midst of planning such a fun and special event. 
Heres the deal, though.  Your wedding is the beginning, not the end.  Many folks treat the wedding like its the period to a relationship sentence when actually, it’s the beginning of a new phase of your relationship.  Regardless of the length of time you have been together with your partner, marriage can (and most of the time) will be different and premarital counseling can assist in identifying areas that need attention and coping strategies to deal with the issues. 
Most of the time, premarital counseling is a short term endeavor.  It can be preformed by Counselors, Social Workers or clergy.  Many clergy require counseling or premarital classes prior to the wedding.  Any of the above works.  The point is to explore strengths and weaknesses of the relationships, blind spots and conflict resolution strategies.
Sometimes while planning the wedding, it’s easy to forget about the marriage.  Per marital counseling can offer time and space in the midst of planning for you and your partner to come together focus on what is most important as you build your life together. 
Janel Perez, M.S.-L.P.C.

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control

February 2, 2012 By Leave a Comment

One of my favorite passages that reflects how much control we really have over our lives.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Janel Perez, M.S., L.P.C

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accepting help

January 26, 2012 By Leave a Comment

“No thanks, I’m fine”

Why is it so hard to accept help?

For the past two weeks, I have been down on my back because my back gave out.  I was unable to stand up straight, unable to pick up either of my children, unable to walk further than about 20 feet and it took me several movements to be to get myself to stand or sit down.  I could hardly stand at the sink to wash a dish, certainly could not sweep the floor and could not get in or out of my car by myself.  The only time in the past two weeks that I felt any relief was soaking a hot bath at the end of the day, which I needed help to get out of.

But that wasn’t even the hardest part of the past two weeks.  The hardest part was accepting help.  Friends and family would call to check on me and offer help and my first instinct was to say, “no thanks, I’m fine”.  I had family members calling to volunteer to drop everything in their lives to come and stay with me and take care of my family (thanks Mom and Nenny).   I had a sister and a sister-in-law rearrange their work schedule to be able to come and sit with me and care for my sons, put laundry away and cook dinner (thanks Jo Anne and Cecilia).  My husband took time off from work and made sure our boys were still getting to do fun stuff and getting clean at the end of the day (thanks Danny) and in-laws who cooked for us and also cared for the boys (thanks Memaw and Pepaw).  And countless friends called to offer support and encouragement (thanks Ariel, Deanna, Alison and the rest of the gang).

I know there are many reasons why folks don’t ask for help and/or reject help when it’s offered.   The reasons range from wanting to be in control, afraid of being rejected, a perception that asking for or accepting help is a sign of weakness and the list goes on.   For me, I think I was in denial initially and never thought my back pain would last so long. 

My challenge for us this week is to accept help!  Ask for it and accept it.  As I stated earlier, my first instinct was to politely decline the offer.  Quickly, I realized that I could not do this without my “village”.  I needed every ounce of help that I received and I took great comfort in knowing that my friends and family wanted to help.  Each of my “villagers” stepped up and I am so thankful for them.

So, allow those folks in your life to help you from time to time.  No one can do it alone and, furthermore, I don’t think we are meant to do it alone.  If accepting help is difficult for you, start small.  Ask a close friend or family member to assist with something small and feel the gratitude.  If you feel like you do not have your own “village”, then create one.  Look around and notice those who are caring, consistent and stable and begin building a friendship.  Be the first to offer help. 

I think accepting help is especially important if you have a new baby, are planning a wedding, moving, grieving the death of a loved one or a relationship or are involved in any other high stress life situation, you are not alone…or you don’t have to be.  Engage your village or start building your village before the next storm comes.

Janel Perez, M.S., L.P.C.

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asking for what you want…

January 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

image via Laci Davis Photography

Last week I shared with you a few of my friends Christmas experiences that left them feeling a little “eehh” regarding the gifts they received from their partners.  I think it’s important to balance that conversation with the idea of learning how to ask for what you want.  Whether we are talking about a tangible thing like a gift that has been bought for you or an intangible item such as having your partner spend more time with you, the truth is the same:  neither you nor your partner are mind readers so you’re hard pressed to be upset by not getting what you’re NOT asking for.
The romanticized notion of relationships is at your partner knows your every thought and feeling without you uttering a word and s/he responds appropriately every time.  The reality is that is an unfair expectation of anyone.  Your responsibility in this is to be clear with what it is you want and/or need.  I know, I know…no one likes to talk about communication AND it feels strange to ask for what we want.  Think of it as a muscle that needs strengthening.  The first couple of times, it’ll feel awkward and then it becomes easier and easier, each time you use that “muscle”.
The danger in not asking for what you want is that one may begin to harbor resentment toward their partner for an unmet expectation and then that begins to snowball and pretty soon you are unleashing months of disappointment on your partner over a small incident.  That leaves your partner reeling, perhaps angry and feeling like its a “no win”.
So, here is the recipe to asking for what you want. -pick a time when emotions are in control -choose a location that is private so your partner will not feel attacked or embarrassed -begin with gratitude and end with clarity.
Let’s use the example from last week where my very pregnant friend received a pair of extra small pajama bottoms, with the tag still attached and in the plastic bag from the store, from her spouse.  In an appropriate place and at an appropriate time, she could have said something along the lines of, “honey, thank you for the gift you picked out for me for Christmas.  I know how busy you are with work so next year, how about we exchange lists with specific items on it that we would like so that we both get exactly what we want.”. Obviously, you would have to make that your own and use your own words.  The point is to begin a dialogue with your partner that allows for you each to share your wishes.
I promise that, with practice, this gets easier and more finessed.  Ideally, it will create an opportunity for you and your partner to communicate and connect on a new level.
Janel Perez, M.S., L.P.C
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wrapped in love

January 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

image via Pinterest

Recently I was having lunch with a few dear friends and we were discussing our Christmas holidays.  The conversation turned from smiles while we talked about the fun our children had to eye rolling when one friend asked, “What did your husbands give you for a gift?” Quickly, the friends listed the gifts from their husbands that left them with disappointment.   Now, before I go any further, let me be clear…none of us at this lunch are materialistic, greedy or spoiled.  This is not about husband bashing or asking for things that we cannot afford.  Let me continue with the story and hopefully you’ll see.

One friend, who is 9 months pregnant, shared that her husband gave her a pair of extra-small pajama bottoms…with the price tag still on…in the plastic bag from the store where he bought them.  And, no she will not be an extra-small post pregnancy.

Another friend said that her husband gave her shampoo, conditioner and deodorant from the corner store.   

A third friend explained that she and her husband no longer exchange gifts because he is such a bad gift giver.

So, this is for all of the husbands out there, or partners in a relationship who are the “bad” gift givers. 

Certain holidays are an easy opportunity to give a token to your partner that shows that you listen, that you care and that you are invested in their happiness.  Notice I said “token”.  It could be a gift purchased from a store or it could be hand written gift coupons for the things that your partner loves and deserves such as foot rubs, car washes or a month of doing the kiddos baths. 

Some of the most important relationship rules are the simple ones:

  • Say please and thank you to each other
  • Say I love you daily
  • Hug, kiss or touch daily
  • Show your love and appreciation through a variety of ways. 

This last rule is why I say the holidays are an “easy” opportunity to do this.  Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are scheduled…each year…you can’t miss it!  Now, all YOU have to do is LISTEN.  I’m certain your partner is dropping hints.  If you feel like they are not dropping hints, then LOOK and notice where they shop, what catalogues they look at or where they like to eat and get a gift card.  My husband’s hint is to use your camera phone to store ideas for things that your partner looks at but doesn’t buy. 

There are many ways to show love and everyone has a different preference (Check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman).   And just as your child’s face brightens when they open a fun gift, so should your partners…at least once a year.

Happy gifting!

Janel Perez, M.S.-L.P.C.

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December 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Its that time of year when we reflect on aspects of our lives that we would like to change or improve. 
 In light of it being New Years resolution time, here are a few things to keep in mind when writing goals.
  Its the SMART way to create a goal.
S–be specific
M–make it measurable
A–be sure it is actually attainable
R–be realistic
T–set a timeline
Many of us may want to lose weight in 2012. 
 Instead of saying ” I want to lose weight this year” (too general–it’s impossible to be accountable to a general goal) or “I will  lose 100 pounds in 2 months by working out everyday and only eating carrots” (completely unrealistic–a goal like this is a set up to fail), let’s write a SMART goal.
“I will lose 10 pounds by Spring Break 2012. 
 I will reach this goal by running at least 3 times a week and eating 3 servings of fruits and vegetables every day.”
This goal is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and has a timeframe.  I recommend setting a goal you KNOW you can reach.  I will actually strive to eat 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day but I am saying 3 a day because I KNOW I can do this.
The point of a goal is to be helpful, keep one motivated and assist you in finding success.  Have fun with your goals and be creative. 
 Think about what you want the outcome to be and not just the goal itself. 
 For example, if I succeed with the goal above, I will have more energy for my kiddos and I will feel more comfortable at the pool.  If your goals start to make you feel bad or like you’re failing, scratch them and rewrite them. 
 This is about self-improvement and you want to feel good about yourself every step along the way.
Here’s to a happy and healthy 2012.  
Janel Perez M.S, L.P.C.
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keep calm and merry on…

December 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

feeling overwhelmed this holiday season?

I can at times. I feel like my to -do list just keeps growing. I scratch one thing off then add another.

I love shopping for gifts, I love baking and I love wrapping. But now I feel there’s never enough time to get it all done. So I run in and out of stores grabbing gifts, baking cookies late at night or not at all, and letting my kids do the wrapping which is so not my style.

Everytime I sit down at the computer I see something new to Pin, or make or do. I just can’t keep up. I had so many things I wanted to do for the holidays, but time gets short and things get away from me.

That’s ok because I remember that I just want to be with my kids as they are wrapping those gifts and I just want to see them smile when they look at toys on the shelves and I just want to have them help me eat cookie dough.

Here are some words from the wise. Take this advise and use it over the holidays as you are feeling overwhelmed. My sister joins us as on the blog she does each week to chime in her professional advise:

I am in week 7 of a 9 week running program.  This is the first time that I have ever even attempted running, much less enjoyed it.  The program suggests running every other day.  I am finding that on my off days, I can easily talk myself out of running.  I tell myself many reasons why I shouldn’t run, how I could spend that time doing something else or even that I don’t enjoy it.  Then, the time comes to run and I do it. Each run I am surprised by myself that I can do what the program asks and that I actually LOVE it.
So, here we are.  For some of you, you are in the beginning of Hanukkah  and others a few days before Christmas.  Maybe fatigue is setting in or a sense of being overwhelmed by the preparations still to do.  Shopping, wrapping, baking, traveling, cleaning, spending time with family or friends.  It can feel like mountain of work yet to be done. 
What I’ve learned so far from my limited running experience is to just keep moving.  I’m running for longer periods each time and the only way to do that is to keep moving.  Split your to do list into smaller, more manageable parts.  Do at least one thing each day.  Just keep moving through.  Getting to the end of your list will assist you in enjoying your holidays in a less stressed way.  You may even feel proud of yourself:)
Happy Holidays!
Janel Perez, L.P.C.

I know I needed this . I just mailed my Christmas cards so late this year. But at least they are done and I feel good about sending them. I can’t wait to share them with you!

remember, it’s

Happy Holidays!

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So, what if you’re not thankful?

November 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

our grandparents

For many, this is a tough year to be thankful.  Unemployment, the economy and continuing war
are a few issues that we are used to hearing about.    Those are important and overwhelming issues
that can easily affect a person’s well-being.  As well as missing family members that are no longer here to share in the holidays.

What about those that are having their own, personal
battles?   Are you carrying stress from
unresolved grief?  A broken relationship?
In the middle of a life-changing situation? 

Here are a few ways to get through the holiday:

  • In the words of my father, “fake it till you
    make it”.  I’m not saying ignore your
    pain or situation.  I am saying that
    allowing yourself to focus on WHATEVER positive aspect you can find can help in
    turning things around.  Research shows
    that gratitude produces
    gratitude.  Simply put, what you pay
    attention to is what you get.  Focusing
    on the things that are not going well helps you to find even more things that are not going well.  Focusing on the positive assists you in
    finding the many things that are.
  • It’s not what happens to you, but how you
    respond to those things.  This is the
    basis for Cognitive Behavioral Counseling: that it is a person’s thinking about
    an event that causes the discomfort, not the actual event.   In life, the only thing you can control 100%
    of the time is your reaction to a situation. 
  • Understand that every crisis is an
    opportunity.  This is a tough thing to
    believe in the midst of a crisis, I know. 
    I get it.  Things may not be
    unfolding as you wish, but it is impossible to know how your story will end.
    Maybe this is not a dead-end, but a detour that will take you on an
    adventure.  Maybe this is an opportunity
    to truly create the life you want.  At
    each step, try to stay present so that you don’t miss the ride.

Enjoy your day-

Janel Perez, M.S., L.P.C.

Filed Under: thursday therapy