“No thanks, I’m fine”

Why is it so hard to accept help?

For the past two weeks, I have been down on my back because my back gave out.  I was unable to stand up straight, unable to pick up either of my children, unable to walk further than about 20 feet and it took me several movements to be to get myself to stand or sit down.  I could hardly stand at the sink to wash a dish, certainly could not sweep the floor and could not get in or out of my car by myself.  The only time in the past two weeks that I felt any relief was soaking a hot bath at the end of the day, which I needed help to get out of.

But that wasn’t even the hardest part of the past two weeks.  The hardest part was accepting help.  Friends and family would call to check on me and offer help and my first instinct was to say, “no thanks, I’m fine”.  I had family members calling to volunteer to drop everything in their lives to come and stay with me and take care of my family (thanks Mom and Nenny).   I had a sister and a sister-in-law rearrange their work schedule to be able to come and sit with me and care for my sons, put laundry away and cook dinner (thanks Jo Anne and Cecilia).  My husband took time off from work and made sure our boys were still getting to do fun stuff and getting clean at the end of the day (thanks Danny) and in-laws who cooked for us and also cared for the boys (thanks Memaw and Pepaw).  And countless friends called to offer support and encouragement (thanks Ariel, Deanna, Alison and the rest of the gang).

I know there are many reasons why folks don’t ask for help and/or reject help when it’s offered.   The reasons range from wanting to be in control, afraid of being rejected, a perception that asking for or accepting help is a sign of weakness and the list goes on.   For me, I think I was in denial initially and never thought my back pain would last so long. 

My challenge for us this week is to accept help!  Ask for it and accept it.  As I stated earlier, my first instinct was to politely decline the offer.  Quickly, I realized that I could not do this without my “village”.  I needed every ounce of help that I received and I took great comfort in knowing that my friends and family wanted to help.  Each of my “villagers” stepped up and I am so thankful for them.

So, allow those folks in your life to help you from time to time.  No one can do it alone and, furthermore, I don’t think we are meant to do it alone.  If accepting help is difficult for you, start small.  Ask a close friend or family member to assist with something small and feel the gratitude.  If you feel like you do not have your own “village”, then create one.  Look around and notice those who are caring, consistent and stable and begin building a friendship.  Be the first to offer help. 

I think accepting help is especially important if you have a new baby, are planning a wedding, moving, grieving the death of a loved one or a relationship or are involved in any other high stress life situation, you are not alone…or you don’t have to be.  Engage your village or start building your village before the next storm comes.

Janel Perez, M.S., L.P.C.